If you’ve ever experienced a man who doesn’t know how to be a generous lover and don’t know how to explain to him what it’s like for a woman in ways that he can understand, you can direct him to this guide.
Woman seem to intuitively know what kind of man will be a generous lover. It’s in the way he moves, the way he speaks and particularly his ability to connect by looking deep into her eyes.
But when it comes to actual technique the best lovers are the best kissers and the ones who know how to use their mouth in all the ways that please a woman (particularly in how they communicate with her during sex).
I’ve been told that most men don’t know how to give great oral pleasure to a woman. They’re too rough, too gentle, can’t sense the rhythm or pressure she enjoys or find it and then change to something else too quickly.
It’s because a guy assumes that a woman wants what he wants the way he wants it and tries to please her the way he likes to be pleased. She’s not, so let me explain it in terms men will understand.
When it comes to oral pleasure, men tend to come in five types:
1. The Avoider – he’s simply not interested, either because he’s not a generous lover or because he had some kind of traumatic oral experience in his past.
2. The Eager Beaver – he dives in like oral IS the foreplay because he doesn’t realize how personal this is to a woman. Once he starts he either ignores her signals because he’s so excited that he’s face to face with Nirvana or too boyish in his need for reassurance that what he’s doing is working for her.
3. Mr. Rough & Ready – he’s a score keeper that figures if he’s going to get some he’d better give some. He begins with her breasts for two minutes then moves down to mechanically go about his duty for another two minutes with all the finesse of a lumbering elephant before determining she’s ready for the main event.
4. The Human Pleasure Toy – this man is an expert when it comes to technique. He can expertly and deftly bring her to climax and prides himself on being such an expert when it comes to giving a woman an orgasm, but it’s a big performance with little intimate connection.
5. The Evolved Lover – this man sees more than just the sexuality of his partner, he sees her soul. His connection to her goes beyond just touching different aspects of her body and he understands that for her sex is an intimate connection of mind, body and energy. His focus is his woman, not her orgasm.
RULES TO GREAT ORAL (9 Parts Trust, 1 Part Technique)
This can’t simply be a technique instruction manual, because really that’s not the most important part. If you can’t relax your woman there’s no way she’s going to be able to enjoy herself anyway. I’ll begin with explaining how to create a space of trust and THEN I’ll get into the specifics of technique.
1. *SEE* HER
You don’t just dive in and devour her. Women as a rule have insecurities. She has no idea how you’re going to react to the way she looks, the way she tastes and smells, the way she sounds, the way parts of her body jiggle and no clue how good you’re going to be at following her signals.
Forplay does NOT begin with you jamming your fingers past the seams of her bra or underwear, it begins with the sense of trust and security you create for her in the conversation, kissing and cuddling leading up to this.
A woman wants to be seen for the unique individual she is and believe that you see her as special, care about what she thinks and how she feels. This means that before you kiss her you need to have heard and understood her. If she can’t trust you with her mind, then why would she ever trust you with something even more intimate like her body?
(OKAY, I KNOW I’VE LOST A BIG CHUNK OF MEN HERE. I CAN’T CHANGE THAT, BUT LADIES YOU CAN. IF HE DOESN’T CREATE THAT SAFE INTIMATE SPACE IT’S UP TO YOU TO NOT LET HIM GO FURTHER. IT’S NOT GOING TO GET BETTER ONCE YOU’RE NAKED, YOU’RE SIMPLY GOING TO FEEL MORE EXPOSED).
Women are the opposite of men when it comes to sex. For men, the most intimate act is to open our heart to you. For women, the most intimate act is to open your body to us. Because we all tend to assume that others are like us we apply the Golden Rule and we do to you exactly what we’d like to be done to us.
Men see the path to intimacy through sex where as women see the path to sex through intimacy. I think we’re designed this way to create a greater likelyhood that we’ll have sex and bond with a partner who has worked hard to ensure it’s a good match, but it does seem to be a big obstacle in the meeting of the minds for the sexes.
There is a look in a woman’s eyes that tell you when she wants to be kissed, when she wants to be touched and when she wants to be seen naked by you. The only way you’re ever going to figure this out is by looking into them.
This is why doing it drunk in the dark is so immature. If you’re not confident enough that you can create a space safe enough for her sober in at least candle light you haven’t earned the right to hold the safety and security of her self-image.
When you talk to her you need to be reading her eyes for signs of interest and connection. When you joke or tease her you need to watch her eyes and body language for signs of receptiveness. When you kiss you need to take a break and have the courage to look at her and feel the experience from her side.
2. USE YOUR MOUTH
Once she feels seen you’re going to have to let her know what it is about her that makes her so desireable to you. This involves the most important way you’re going to use your mouth…TALK to her!
Because men can be disconnected emotionally from the act of sexuality, they perceive woman to be the same. They don’t recognize how intimate the act is for her and are rediculously unaware of the insecurities she has about her body.
Your job is to let her know all of the things that you think are so incredibly delicious about her and murmur them out loud as you’re getting to know her body:
-The way you love how some part of her looks
-The texture of her skin, the way her hair feels
-The smell of her scent or perfume
-The taste of her lips
-The curve of her hips and breasts
There are things about her body that someone has made her feel uncomfortable at some point. In her mind she feels those parts of her will never be acceptable. This is where you get to be a hero if you’re man enough to recognize it.
As an Evolved man, you explain to her the way YOU see her differently than the immature lovers of her past. You let her know why a man would appreciate her thick thighs, her wide hips, her smallish breasts or whatever she is self conscious about.
You don’t have to figure out a whole bunch of things to say to her, but you do need to take your time and show that you appreciate the parts of her body that appear to be different from the women of Sports Illustrated and as things proceed that it’s ok for her to not possess the anatomy of porn stars.
(An aside to women, YES there are men who truly appreciate and even prefer your body type over that of a Barbie Doll. They’re more rare than the ones who do maybe, but then so are you.)
3. UNDRESS HER WITH YOUR EYES
A woman doesn’t want to tell a man when she’s ready for him, she wants a man she can trust to read her signs. So you need to look into her eyes and be telling her what you are loving about her and what you’re planning to do next.
The bedroom is the place where she expects YOU to lead with what’s being said and I don’t mean, “Do you like this?”, “How about this?” or “What else do you like?” She want’s to hear everything you love about her and for you to tell her what you want to do to her next a while before you actually go do it. This gives her the chance to let you know with her eyes if that’s what she would enjoy.
The paradox is that women are far more sexual than men, but they must be more reserved in their expression of it. This is why looking into her eyes and taking her in visually and commenting on what you like is so important. She needs to be reassured that not only is she sexually appealing to you, but that you welcome her sexuality rather than judge her for it.
4. PAY ATTENTION TO EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS
I’m going to let a woman describe this next part because frankly, I can’t tell you what feels good to her. The following is from a post I came across on Tumbler. It’s the best description I’ve ever read on the subject.
The key is being able to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can’t read the emotional road signs, you’re going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face.
Think of oral as your way of saying, “although I am about to rock your insides with 3 000 lbs. of explosives, here’s a little intimate treat session to show you how I really feel.”
Instead of screaming “OH MY GOD!!” like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what sex should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous “ooohmygodohmygod-ohmygod.”
Don’t go down unless you’re down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Love it or leave it alone.
DON’T SAY “HI” TO DRY
A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for awhile. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all that’s needed to get the honey dripping.
Once you’re sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. There’s nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure she’s really begging for it before you get under the covers.
Important: Don’t play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that most of a woman’s pleasure is about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.
Once she’s lathered up, it’s time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and don’t touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like you’re going away on vacation.
Though it’s very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like a little mole-man, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood.
Start by kissing her breasts and stomach and slowly working your way down. Don’t get carried away, though. That’s something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now it’s all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move towards the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop.
Nibble your way right up to the edge, then skip across it and head for the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run.
When you’re just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Don’t spend too long there or she might start to think that you think that’s it.
By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you’re doing it right, she’ll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like she’s been holding her breath for three days.
Extra trick: Hover over for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you’re having second thoughts because it smells bad.
Important: Never bite in any way whatsoever!
THE GRAND ENTRANCE
One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.
Do your first lick super slow. It’s good to groan and moan too. It shows you’re digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just at the very bottom and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these “St. Bernard licks” before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick).
This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it’s real sensitive she’ll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you’re probably in for an easy ride. If there’s no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you’re in for a thirty-minute session of tongue-tendinitis.
ROCK THE BOAT
Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a wuss. If you’re getting tired of being ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little button who’s boss. After all, Ms. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. She’s surrounded by labia and, even after you find her, all the pressure can pop her over to the side.
Once your tongue finds it use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention right there. Give it a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you.
Extra important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down.
IDENTIFYING THE CLIT TYPE
After the slow licks it’s time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori. Ones that enjoy a serious going over and ones that don’t.
Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes and sensitivities, but that doesn’t really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning but the only way to tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach but just do the best you can. All we can tell you is convulsing means take it easy and “Oh my God” means bring it on.
CLITS THAT NEED A SERIOUS GOING OVER
These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the one who killed your partner. Separate it out from the lips and suck it right up into your mouth.
Keep it erect by creating an air-tight vacuum chamber in your mouth. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat it like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it’s too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks.
The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but it’s a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking. As you’re closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give it relentless tongue smacking.
Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive.
Do NOT be creative. You’re almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics.
Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Mic Mac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.
Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn’t over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she’s multi-orgasmic you’ll have to keep going until you’ve done the whole routine another four or five times. If you’re not sure what to do, just keep givin’ ‘er until the magic hands come down to pull you off.
CLITS THAT DON’T
Some clits don’t want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple.
If you’re getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here pal…
Once you’re done (totally finished) she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet.
Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate.
You now have the task of satisfying her again, but this time you’re going to do it the way you’ve been waiting for and by now she’ll be desperate to have you inside her.
A complete sex manual for the Evolved couple will be contained in the erotic novel I’m writing.
(Not the same as the manual on men due out in April, “It’s not you…it’s HIM” The evolved woman’s guide to the bizarre behavior of men).
**This link is to an EXPLICIT video of adult film stars demonstrating these techniques. (Don’t watch it if you have an issue with graphic sexuality.)
Graham R White